[Supernatural Fic] What Am I?
Feb. 7th, 2010 08:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
daylight_darknightWarning... um.. existentialism? I'm not sure if this fic actually gets across what I wanted to get across or even makes any sense, but I've gone over it so many times, that I decided I'd better put it up or I'd never stop fiddling with it. (Seriously, I can't stop. I just changed 5 things while trying to post it)
Title: What Am I?
Characters: Castiel, Sam, Dean
Rating: G
Genre: Angst, Character Study
Word Count: 1446
Spoilers: Vague spoilers for season 5
Summary: "But I am not human. It is not who I am. I am an angel. Or at least I’m supposed to be."
What Am I?
By Daylight
It was just an offhand comment, the type Dean made all the time. He had that kind of attitude and that kind of mouth. If pressed, he would have said it was a complement and to him, it was. But words can have a lot of meanings. Like with sarcasm, for example. It was Castiel’s first use of sarcasm that had made Dean grin like a proud parent, had made him laugh and utter the unfortunate statement:
“Jesus, Cas. You’re becoming more human everyday.”
The angel didn’t share his mirth. In fact, all previous hints of amusement faded from his face. His jaw tightened and his eyes grew cold. Turning away, Castiel swiftly left the motel room using the door for once and leaving a dumbfounded Dean in his wake.
“What?” the man called after him. “What did I say?”
Sighing, Sam looked at his brother and shook his head. It wasn’t that Dean was in anyway dumb, but certain emotional subtleties sometimes passed him by or took a while to sink in.
“What?” Dean repeated responding to Sam’s continued gaze.
The younger Winchester didn’t reply. Instead, he raised his eyebrows at Dean managing to silently communicate with just his eyes that his brother was being an idiot, before he followed the angel’s path out the door.
For a moment, Dean made as if to go after them, concern and frustration warring on his face. Then he threw his arms up into the air, cried a strangled scream and collapsed onto his bed.
Outside, Sam searched for Castiel and soon spotted him a short distance away leaning against the low concrete wall that marked the edge of the motel’s property. The angel almost glowed in the light of the street lamps as if he was fighting off the darkness of the cloudy night. It was surprising that he hadn’t simply taken flight and disappeared. It was always possible Castiel was just tired, Sam mused. That had been occurring more often lately as Cas wore out his diminished powers until even his human body was drained. But Sam had noticed the way the angel had been hanging out with them more and more recently and he decided it was most likely Castiel just didn’t want to be too far away.
“I take it you didn’t like Dean calling you human,” he observed as he approached Cas’ spot.
Not bothering to glance at Sam, the angel remained staring blankly into the distance. “Your brother seems to derive great delight in trying to convert me to your ways.”
“I thought you enjoyed learning all about us mud monkeys.”
“I do, but that does not mean I wish to be human.”
Sam bristled. “And exactly what is wrong with being human?”
“Nothing,” Castiel sighed, briefly letting his eyes close as he hung his head. “I admire humans. I care for them a great deal, especially my friends.” He finally turned to look at Sam as he said this. “But I am not human. It is not who I am. I am an angel. Or at least I’m supposed to be.” He looked away again casting his eyes to the cloud covered sky as if searching for the stars.
“What do you mean?”
The angel remained silent.
“Cas?” Sam asked uncertainly.
Sad eyes still gazing upward, Castiel began speaking softly in his hoarse tone. “I used to exist in a world of purity and light with the minds of a thousand of my brothers and sisters singing in my head. I had the entire knowledge of the world within my reach and the ability to warp its merest fabric at my fingertips.” He looked back down as he scuffed his foot against the grit on the pavement. “Now, my abilities are limited to the power of my grace. I am stuck in this grubby world of solid ground and sharp corners and stuck in a vessel of flesh which is becoming more my own everyday. And I feel… The mere fact that I feel…”
“But you’re still an angel.”
“Am I?”
Angel or not, the fierce glare Castiel gave Sam had enough power in it that the younger Winchester had to fight not to back away.
“Do you even understand what an angel is? Like the fact your eyes can not look on our true forms, your words can not begin to describe us. But what defines our existence is our obedience, our service to heaven and God. But I have disobeyed heaven and been cut off from its righteousness. I can’t even be counted as one of the fallen since I haven’t ripped out my grace to be reborn or fled to hell to join the ranks of Lucifer. I do not belong to heaven, hell or earth. I am an abomination, neither one thing nor the other.”
“That’s just semantics,” Sam countered. “Do you need to be in a category, to be classified? Isn’t who you are and what you do more important?”
“But who I am is implicitly tied to being an angel.” Castiel slumped back against the wall, the ferocity of before leaving him. “I have lost everything. I do not want to lose myself as well.”
Putting a hand on his shoulder, Sam said, “I understand. I…”
But Castiel shrugged off the hand turning away. “I find that extremely unlikely.”
“Cas, what am I?”
Glancing back, Castiel frowned at him.
“What am I?” Sam repeated.
“You’re human.”
“Really?” Sam slapped his hands against his chest. “I have demon blood inside of me. I can… I used to be able to exorcize demons with my mind. I’ve had psychic visions. Does that sound human to you? Just look at the things I’ve done.”
Castiel shook his head. “Demon blood doesn’t make you a demon and there have always been humans with psychic powers. Despite what you’ve done and what has been done to you, your soul is still human.”
“You can see my soul?” Sam’s eyes widened as wonder and hope washed over him.
Head tilted to the side, Castiel focused on the younger Winchester as if he was looking right through him. “It’s like a weathered lamp shining though a gale, but it is there and it’s completely human.”
Sam hadn’t realized how much his fears about his soul had been weighing on him until that moment when he felt them finally lifted. Looking away, he rubbed the moisture from his eyes and leaned against the cement wall as Castiel had been gazing out over the deserted motel parking lot.
“Well, if I’m still human, then you’re definitely still an angel.”
“That is hardly the same thing,” argued Cas. “Besides your brother would seem to disagree with that assessment.”
“English isn’t a perfect language,” Sam tried to explain. “When Dean said you’re becoming more human, he didn’t mean you’re turning into a human. He meant you’re behaving more like one. And I can’t say that’s a bad thing.”
Castiel watched him through narrowed eyes.
“It doesn’t mean you’re not an angel. I think you’ll always be one even if you lose all your powers. It’s part of who you are and that can’t be taken away.” Sam smiled at Cas. “Personally considering the actions of most of the angels I’ve met, I think it just means you’re becoming a better one.”
The corner of Castiel’s mouth turned up in a tiny smile and he let out a huff that might have even been laughter. “You may be right.”
Leaning against the wall, they stood side by side staring out into the night. After a few minutes, the door to the motel room opened and Dean appeared clutching three beers. He soon spotted them and headed their way grumbling as he did so.
“Crazy nutters. Where’d you get the idea that hanging out in a parking lot during winter was a good way to spend the night.” When he finally reached them, he held out one of the bottles to Cas. “Here.”
“I don’t w…”
“Here,” repeated Dean still holding out the beer with an intense gleam in his eyes.
Sam leaned towards Cas and said in a pseudo whisper, “It’s his way of saying sorry.”
Dean glared at Sam, but Castiel nodded and took the beer. “Thank you.”
Finally relaxing, Dean handed the younger Winchester a bottle too and popping the cap off his own, took a long drink. “So… Everything’s good?” he asked looking questioningly at his brother.
Sam glanced at Castiel who if not exactly smiling anymore wore a relaxed expression which was as close as he usually got. “All’s good,” he replied with a nod.
Dean turned to look at the angel. “What about you, Cas? You good?”
“I am…” Castiel tilted his head to the side contemplating his words a moment before finally saying, “I am better.”
Title: What Am I?
Characters: Castiel, Sam, Dean
Rating: G
Genre: Angst, Character Study
Word Count: 1446
Spoilers: Vague spoilers for season 5
Summary: "But I am not human. It is not who I am. I am an angel. Or at least I’m supposed to be."
By Daylight
It was just an offhand comment, the type Dean made all the time. He had that kind of attitude and that kind of mouth. If pressed, he would have said it was a complement and to him, it was. But words can have a lot of meanings. Like with sarcasm, for example. It was Castiel’s first use of sarcasm that had made Dean grin like a proud parent, had made him laugh and utter the unfortunate statement:
“Jesus, Cas. You’re becoming more human everyday.”
The angel didn’t share his mirth. In fact, all previous hints of amusement faded from his face. His jaw tightened and his eyes grew cold. Turning away, Castiel swiftly left the motel room using the door for once and leaving a dumbfounded Dean in his wake.
“What?” the man called after him. “What did I say?”
Sighing, Sam looked at his brother and shook his head. It wasn’t that Dean was in anyway dumb, but certain emotional subtleties sometimes passed him by or took a while to sink in.
“What?” Dean repeated responding to Sam’s continued gaze.
The younger Winchester didn’t reply. Instead, he raised his eyebrows at Dean managing to silently communicate with just his eyes that his brother was being an idiot, before he followed the angel’s path out the door.
For a moment, Dean made as if to go after them, concern and frustration warring on his face. Then he threw his arms up into the air, cried a strangled scream and collapsed onto his bed.
Outside, Sam searched for Castiel and soon spotted him a short distance away leaning against the low concrete wall that marked the edge of the motel’s property. The angel almost glowed in the light of the street lamps as if he was fighting off the darkness of the cloudy night. It was surprising that he hadn’t simply taken flight and disappeared. It was always possible Castiel was just tired, Sam mused. That had been occurring more often lately as Cas wore out his diminished powers until even his human body was drained. But Sam had noticed the way the angel had been hanging out with them more and more recently and he decided it was most likely Castiel just didn’t want to be too far away.
“I take it you didn’t like Dean calling you human,” he observed as he approached Cas’ spot.
Not bothering to glance at Sam, the angel remained staring blankly into the distance. “Your brother seems to derive great delight in trying to convert me to your ways.”
“I thought you enjoyed learning all about us mud monkeys.”
“I do, but that does not mean I wish to be human.”
Sam bristled. “And exactly what is wrong with being human?”
“Nothing,” Castiel sighed, briefly letting his eyes close as he hung his head. “I admire humans. I care for them a great deal, especially my friends.” He finally turned to look at Sam as he said this. “But I am not human. It is not who I am. I am an angel. Or at least I’m supposed to be.” He looked away again casting his eyes to the cloud covered sky as if searching for the stars.
“What do you mean?”
The angel remained silent.
“Cas?” Sam asked uncertainly.
Sad eyes still gazing upward, Castiel began speaking softly in his hoarse tone. “I used to exist in a world of purity and light with the minds of a thousand of my brothers and sisters singing in my head. I had the entire knowledge of the world within my reach and the ability to warp its merest fabric at my fingertips.” He looked back down as he scuffed his foot against the grit on the pavement. “Now, my abilities are limited to the power of my grace. I am stuck in this grubby world of solid ground and sharp corners and stuck in a vessel of flesh which is becoming more my own everyday. And I feel… The mere fact that I feel…”
“But you’re still an angel.”
“Am I?”
Angel or not, the fierce glare Castiel gave Sam had enough power in it that the younger Winchester had to fight not to back away.
“Do you even understand what an angel is? Like the fact your eyes can not look on our true forms, your words can not begin to describe us. But what defines our existence is our obedience, our service to heaven and God. But I have disobeyed heaven and been cut off from its righteousness. I can’t even be counted as one of the fallen since I haven’t ripped out my grace to be reborn or fled to hell to join the ranks of Lucifer. I do not belong to heaven, hell or earth. I am an abomination, neither one thing nor the other.”
“That’s just semantics,” Sam countered. “Do you need to be in a category, to be classified? Isn’t who you are and what you do more important?”
“But who I am is implicitly tied to being an angel.” Castiel slumped back against the wall, the ferocity of before leaving him. “I have lost everything. I do not want to lose myself as well.”
Putting a hand on his shoulder, Sam said, “I understand. I…”
But Castiel shrugged off the hand turning away. “I find that extremely unlikely.”
“Cas, what am I?”
Glancing back, Castiel frowned at him.
“What am I?” Sam repeated.
“You’re human.”
“Really?” Sam slapped his hands against his chest. “I have demon blood inside of me. I can… I used to be able to exorcize demons with my mind. I’ve had psychic visions. Does that sound human to you? Just look at the things I’ve done.”
Castiel shook his head. “Demon blood doesn’t make you a demon and there have always been humans with psychic powers. Despite what you’ve done and what has been done to you, your soul is still human.”
“You can see my soul?” Sam’s eyes widened as wonder and hope washed over him.
Head tilted to the side, Castiel focused on the younger Winchester as if he was looking right through him. “It’s like a weathered lamp shining though a gale, but it is there and it’s completely human.”
Sam hadn’t realized how much his fears about his soul had been weighing on him until that moment when he felt them finally lifted. Looking away, he rubbed the moisture from his eyes and leaned against the cement wall as Castiel had been gazing out over the deserted motel parking lot.
“Well, if I’m still human, then you’re definitely still an angel.”
“That is hardly the same thing,” argued Cas. “Besides your brother would seem to disagree with that assessment.”
“English isn’t a perfect language,” Sam tried to explain. “When Dean said you’re becoming more human, he didn’t mean you’re turning into a human. He meant you’re behaving more like one. And I can’t say that’s a bad thing.”
Castiel watched him through narrowed eyes.
“It doesn’t mean you’re not an angel. I think you’ll always be one even if you lose all your powers. It’s part of who you are and that can’t be taken away.” Sam smiled at Cas. “Personally considering the actions of most of the angels I’ve met, I think it just means you’re becoming a better one.”
The corner of Castiel’s mouth turned up in a tiny smile and he let out a huff that might have even been laughter. “You may be right.”
Leaning against the wall, they stood side by side staring out into the night. After a few minutes, the door to the motel room opened and Dean appeared clutching three beers. He soon spotted them and headed their way grumbling as he did so.
“Crazy nutters. Where’d you get the idea that hanging out in a parking lot during winter was a good way to spend the night.” When he finally reached them, he held out one of the bottles to Cas. “Here.”
“I don’t w…”
“Here,” repeated Dean still holding out the beer with an intense gleam in his eyes.
Sam leaned towards Cas and said in a pseudo whisper, “It’s his way of saying sorry.”
Dean glared at Sam, but Castiel nodded and took the beer. “Thank you.”
Finally relaxing, Dean handed the younger Winchester a bottle too and popping the cap off his own, took a long drink. “So… Everything’s good?” he asked looking questioningly at his brother.
Sam glanced at Castiel who if not exactly smiling anymore wore a relaxed expression which was as close as he usually got. “All’s good,” he replied with a nod.
Dean turned to look at the angel. “What about you, Cas? You good?”
“I am…” Castiel tilted his head to the side contemplating his words a moment before finally saying, “I am better.”
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-08 06:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-08 06:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-08 08:28 am (UTC)Love how its wrapped up in that last line.
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-08 11:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-08 02:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-08 03:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-09 01:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-11 07:07 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-24 08:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-25 12:18 am (UTC)